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Aug. 17th, 2016

Still

I still dream of you. I still think of you. I pray for a time when you'll be back in my life. Sometimes I think I should just move on, but I just don't want to other times. I hope that somehow you come back into my life. It seems impossible now, but things can change. I hope my life does change for the better. I hope somehow magically you reappear and are here with me. I want you in my life. I'd move again; I'd change what I needed to change; I'd become a new person to be with you. I have changed a lot in the past year. So many things that I was so petty with. If I get another chance, I won't be petty again. I'd let you be your own person and give you privacy. I know I could have been a better boyfriend. I know I could have even been a better provider, but at least I had a job. I hope I get another chance and I hope we can reunite. I know you've got your own life now, but maybe you can make time and space for me again. Maybe we can be important to each other again. I hope you get an education and then we reunite. I hope you fulfill all of your dreams. I hope you get everything that you want.

Aug. 11th, 2016

I Dream of You Still

I think about you still, though I should have moved on. Everyone says it's time to forget you,
but I just don't want to yet. I still wish we could talk and I still miss you. I remember giving you little gifts, bringing you candy from the laundromat, washing your clothes. I sit here crying about you, looking at pictures of you, or pictures of us together. You are so beautiful and we looked good together. Maybe I dream an impossible dream that we could be together again. No one knows the future, but we're not even talking right now. I hope you come into my life again. I miss you so bad some days. Maybe we'll talk again and maybe we'll be in each other's life again. I know that the time I had with you will always be special and mean a lot to me. Maybe my dreams will come true and you'll make it back to me somehow or I'll at least hear from you. I'd like that. I dream of that, hearing from you. I wake up and realize it was just a dream. Please come back to me somehow. It seems impossible sometimes, but other times I have hope. I know how happy we were together, but that was then. I wish we could at least be friends and then see what happens. You are probably with someone else, but I've tried hard to be someone who could be worthy of another shot at you. I promise things would be different this time. I think I just didn't try hard enough in a lot of ways.

Jul. 23rd, 2016

Letter

If I could talk to you now, I'd say I'm sorry for everything and I wished I could make it right. I miss you so much and I still think about you all of the time. You can contact me anytime for any reason you want to and I'll be there for you. I wish you were still a part of my life. I'm sorry for all the times I was controlling or smothered you or didn't make time for you when I should have. I'm sorry for all of the times I hurt you. I miss you so much and hope we can talk some day. I miss just hearing your voice and having you in my life. It's been almost a year now, but you still mean a lot to me. I pray for you and to hear from you. I hope you fulfill all of your dreams. I hope you have a good life. I just want to be in it again. Maybe I should have moved on by now, but it's hard for me. I am still here for you if you ever need someone. Please text, call, or message me sometime. I know I can be a better person if I ever had another chance with you. I wish you all of the best. I'm writing this now, because I can't write to you right now. Maybe you'll never read this and maybe you will. I've changed a lot in the past year. I'm a better person. Please let me back in.
My best to you,
Jeremy

Jul. 20th, 2016

I hope that we can talk again someday

I think of you still often,
Even though we don't talk anymore.
I've worked on myself and changed things,
'Cause I wanted to be a better person.
Maybe some day I'll talk to you again;
Maybe some day we'll share lives again.
That is what I dream of,
Though it may be a fickle dream.
You need space and I need to give it,
But I hope after that, that we can talk again.

Apr. 2nd, 2016

Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now

You don't have to make your mind up/
I just want to take my time with you.

I quoted this song, thinking it was love, not really knowing.
Guess it felt right.

What we gonna do now?

Seems a joke to have mistaken infatuation for love now that I know what the real thing is.

I love how you make me smile./
Don't leave, please stay, just stay a while./
Let's make this happen./
Baby, I don't care how.

Still want to rekindle that candle with you.
Fall asleep next to you.
Sing songs with you.
Redo all those mistakes.

I want to give you some love./
I want to give you some good, good love.

I still adore ya.

Cray Cray

Going crazy without you
Not a long trip.
Losing my shit on social media
Losing my mind with my family
Wishing you were still my family.
I asked you if you wanted to be that
For the long haul.
You were family
But not forever.
I still hope I see you again someday.
But I might not...

Starbucks

All the jokes I make
About how you had to have your Starbucks
They're really because I miss you
And having breakfast with you
Whether it was coffee or donuts or carrot cake.
I miss being in your space and making bad jokes.
I miss trying to make you talk more than you wanted to
Coming to appreciate your quiet
And that special way you got mad.
But there was always your Starbucks.

Apr. 1st, 2016

Reminisce

Why do love songs still remind me of you?
Why do all of my poems want to be about you?
At least I found out what love really is
Not that facsimile I thought it was.
I look back on that now and it really was so fake.
How cute you were, with your Starbuckses,
And your Batman, and your Snoopy.
You knew what you wanted and it wasn't me anymore.
Someday I may get over you,
But I kinda don't want to.

Jan. 23rd, 2016

Snowing

When it's snowing, I'm often bombarded by memories of other times when it snowed. This time I think I'm thinking of my ex and being snowed in with her. She couldn't make it home and her job wasn't far from where I lived, so we spent a few days together toughing it out in the snow. We even walked to the store in the snow once, braving the cold weather. It was fun to have someone to spend time with in that storm, and even though I'm not with her anymore, I have fond memories of spending time with her, and with getting through another storm. I know these winter storms aren't really anything for the people in other cities to get worries about, but I knew people who were trapped and stuck in various places in Georgia in the last storm. I also have fond memories of snow in Indiana, the state I was born in. I layered my clothing as a youngster to survive in the cold, and that strategy still works today. Just bundle up and be safe.

Feb. 25th, 2015

Homecoming Doll

The woman on the other side of the counter asked to see the dolls.

"The one on the end," she said.

"This one?"

"No, not that one. The one in the box." I motioned to a few more, most of which were in boxes, until finally I got the right one.

"Yes, these are quite special. They have a diamond in the neck. Without that, they're worthless." I wanted to object and say that if someone was willing to pay something for the doll then it wasn't worthless, but I abstained from commenting.

There are many crazy characters at the thrift store, many of whom work there. I didn't really know yet that this woman was a character, but I was starting to have a feeling.
She looked at the doll and noticed the paperwork on it. She had said that she once had a doll much like this one. Upon examining the paperwork, she declared that the doll was the very one she used to own. She claimed it had been stolen from a storage unit. I thought she might start to try and get the doll for free, claiming that it was already hers, but she didn't. Instead she started to mumble to herself that the doll was "coming home." Her determination that the doll would be hers "again" seemed fanatical. She seemed to almost want to clutch the doll tightly in her arms. I imagined later that the doll had been possessed by the spirit of some long lost relative, or maybe just that she imagined it so.

She bought another doll, too, one that she seemed offended by the price having been written on its tiny foot. Again, the doll was worthless with a price written on it, according to her. Both dolls were very exclusive, and very expensive, according to the shopper, and she was getting them for less than $25 a doll. They must have been worth something to her, because she bought them pretty quickly. Maybe she was just trying to negotiate the price.

As I was checking her out, I saw the name on her credit card. I casually glanced at the paperwork that she had mentioned had identified her as the previous owner. Unless she signed her name somewhat differently than it was spelled, the doll didn't appear to have any connection to her, according to the certificate. As I was checking her out, she proceeded to share her story of how her doll had now found its rightful owner again with the store manager. The story amused everyone within earshot, but I felt that somehow she was betraying the integrity of those around her. Was I being too harsh on the woman? Could her name have somehow been the one on the certificate, written in a younger hand, or perhaps the name of another relative who had signed the certificate, or was she really making up the story from whole cloth? Maybe it didn't matter.

I suppose people tell themselves and others stories about their lives every day. Many of those stories are embellished and polished to make them more interesting or amusing. Even the very story you are reading is a product of my memory of the event, and memory can be very imperfect. Maybe it's human nature to tell stories. Does it matter how true all or any of them are?

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